Love's Complicated
by Josi Hamilton
Summary: A big Holby love web...


When it's raining…I get wet. Usually I care, but today I don't. Today things don't matter to me anymore, because I've just seen you with her. All the walls I built around myself after Joanne died have just closed in on me. I told him everything about me, things that even you didn't know, things that I couldn't bring myself to tell even you, my best friend. In the end he just used them to hurt me. Threw them all back in my face. You'd never do that.

_But you are with her. And she's so beautiful and she's confident and she's everything I will never be. For months I tortured myself with the thought that I'd always be lonely, when all along I had someone, I just couldn't see it. It has taken a lot to make me see what we had all along, it took until it was too late for me to do anything about what I realise now that you wanted. Owen offered himself to me on a plate, and it was wrong of me to take him. I thought I loved him. Its funny how sometimes love is an illusion, if you really want it that much. If you are desperate for love, anything seems like it. Friendship seems like love. Friendship is all I should have with Owen. _

_You look happy with her. It's weird how seeing you with her makes me smile, even though it hurts so much. All I want is for you to be happy. If only I could be content with that. I don't want you to be happy with her. I want you to be happy with me. You insist you're not with her; she's married after all. But I know things have gone on. I know by the way I saw you and her, just then, in her office. Flirting. Outrageously flirting with her. It's a dangerous game, getting involved with a married woman, and I don't want to see you get hurt._

_I know that you and her have…done things, but that doesn't matter to me now. I don't care what you've done in the past; I just want things to be the way they were. The biggest regret of my life is saying 'no' to you. It could have been so perfect; I could have fallen asleep to the sound of you softly breathing every night and woken up to the sight of your smile every morning. And I could have been Dr Griffin. Dr Diane Griffin._

_I don't remember one moment where I fell in love with you. I don't remember ever not loving you. It's hard to imagine not knowing you right now, not seeing you everyday. Except whenever I see you, I can't help but think of what we could have had. _

_And the hardest thing…is knowing it's too late._

Diane slowly walked across the car park, thinking of what she had just seen. Thinking of loosing the lover she hadn't even claimed yet. Raindrops fell down around her, hitting the ground with a soft, splattering hum that Diane was oblivious to. Even though the rain poured down, Diane walked at a snail's pace, aware only of the loneliness she felt inside. Tears ran down her face, blending with the raindrops that were all ready there. She didn't understand why she was feeling this way. Ric had been with other people since they'd split, and so had she. But this time it was different somehow. This time Diane realised what she had been missing out on. This time Diane realised what Ric must have known when he tried to kiss her all that time ago. And it hurt, of course it hurt.

Sometimes people were destined to be together…like Owen and Chrissie. Diane knew all along deep inside that being with Owen would never work, because that torch he carried for Chrissie was still burning. She just needed to convince Owen of that: the flame between him and Chrissie would never go out. Diane just didn't want him anymore, things…they just weren't right.

Sometimes the hardest thing is knowing that it's too late. That horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach that you get when you realise that the opportunity of a lifetime has just passed you by. And when you realise you wait and wait to see if it comes by again. That's what Diane was doing…waiting. But she knew in her heart of hearts that it was too late.

If it Iwas/I destiny, could it ever be too late?

When she imagined herself in ten years time, Diane saw herself with Ric. Three children running around… and a house. It was a beautiful house with a white picket fence, and rose bushes in the garden. It was all so perfect in that dream, it all seemed right somehow. But as she walked, slowly that dream faded away, slipping through the grasping fingers of her mind like grains of sand.

-

Chrissie watched out of the window as she saw Owen run across the car park towards Diane. It was raining, quite heavily in fact, but Diane didn't even seem to notice. She didn't notice Owen coming over, waving an umbrella over her head, and protecting her from the rain. Chrissie wished she were where Diane stood now. She wished it were she in Owen's arms, her hair he was stroking gently, and her lips he was kissing. She realised how badly he had treated her, but none of that mattered anymore. All she wanted was Owen. It was then that she decided. She wanted him back, and nothing – or noone- was going to stop her.

-

_So who would have thought it? Connie Beauchamp does have feelings after all. Did you notice? Did you see through the façade? I'm not really this confident. I'm not really this hardnosed ball breaker whose out for all she can get. I'm not really a tease._

_I've never been loved. Not really. They never stayed for the morning after. I've never fallen asleep in a man's arms. I've never had that bit, after the sex where you lay there, holding each other, whispering sweet nothings in each other's ear. I've never had that. I've never been good enough. I'm only good for one thing. _

_All I want is to be loved. Properly. Completely. I want that floating on air feeling. My husband…he doesn't love me...he's…he's not the type of man who gets married. He was my best friend when I was younger, an American. I married him so he could stay in the country. No white picket fences for me, just a husband who fancies my boyfriends. We don't even live together. Sad, isn't it?_

_So who will love me? I'm too scared to tell anyone my feelings. Sex is never just for fun with me. I don't sleep with just anyone. There's always feelings there, behind it all._

_This whole charade, this façade I hide behind, its because I don't want them to see that I'm scared. I'm scared of ending up alone. I've been lonely all my life, nobody has ever tried to get close, so why should they start now? It must be me, must be something I've done. I don't see why else they would be this way. People…they run hot and cold._

_The sex…The sex is hot. It's always more than passion for me, but to them I suppose, I'm just meat. Spicy red hot meat. Because as soon as 'the c-word' is mentioned, they turn cold. Commitment makes men run a mile._

_But it must be me. Other women get married all the time. So it must be something about me that makes them act the way they do. _

_And Ric…the moment I saw him, I knew he was special. Something about his eyes told me that he was lonely like me. Maybe he's struggled from lover to lover in the search for love in the same way that I have. I don't know, I feel like I'm placing my heart near the fire here..._

_I could have stayed afterwards, but I was scared of getting hurt like I always do. I don't know whether it was just sex to him or not. So I've put my mask back on, and hidden myself behind it once more. I don't know what to do… do I hide forever, or do I take off my mask and show him the real me? Will he like the Connie who has insecurities and feelings? I think I know the answer. I'm just scared of getting burnt._

_So there you have it. The sob story from the woman who has it all. Except all is nothing without love. _

Connie sat in the plush leather chair, taking in the office which used to be Ric's. It smelt of Ric in there; his smell was embedded into the sofa. It seemed strange to her that just over a week previously she had been with Ric on that sofa. Her whole head was whirling. She had been here for a short time but already she felt like she was falling for him. There were so many things she had heard about him…Ric…the gambler, had multiple marriages, nine children and was in love with his registrar.

She didn't think that he was – in love with his registrar that is- he seemed friendly enough towards her, but she was with that consultant from maternity…Mr Davies, Connie couldn't remember his Christian name. So that didn't seem true somehow.

As for the wives and children, she could handle that. Lets face it…who doesn't come with baggage these days? But all this didn't change the fact that she was scared of having her heart broken.

_All of my adult life has been a mishmash of mucked up relationships, one right after another. I don't know why. I've always though I was in love, but once the dust has settled and the romance has worn off, I'd soon realise I was not. To show for this I've been married four times and I have nine children. I'm a failure as a father and as a husband._

_There's only been one time where the love was real. I loved that woman so much, I would have given her my last sip of water in the desert should she have so desired. But she said no._

_Granted, there will always be an age gap between myself and Diane. But love is love, it shouldn't matter about age. And everything was so perfect, but when I proposed to her she said no. Just like that. No reasons, nothing. And then I saw hide nor hair of her for five years. I thought I'd lost her for good. I was engaged to be married to Sam Kennedy when she returned. I've never admitted it, but I was secretly glad that Sam slept with Alex Adams. Those two deserved each other anyway, not that it lasted long. But from the moment I saw Diane Lloyd sat in my chair, I knew I couldn't marry Sam._

_She's been back for three years now. Its not the same anymore. The feelings have changed, I still love her, but not how I used to. It's more friendship love now. It could be more, if she wanted it and I wanted it, but at the moment, its not. I saw her chatting to Connie Beauchamp this morning, and as I looked at them, it wasn't the sight of Diane that made my heart skip a beat, it was Connie._

_Connie…There's something about her which reminds me of myself. I think that once I crack through that tough exterior, I'll find a person I can really relate to. There's something in the way that she kissed me last week that I've never felt before I so much want to get to know her better….if she'll let me._

_I'm determined the next time I say 'I do' it will be until death do us part. But who is the right woman? I always thought it would be Diane, but now I'm not so sure. I'm going to try to get through to the Connie which lies below the surface. I know it might be hard but I have to try. It would be foolish of me not to look deeper into the person who could be my soulmate. _

There was a knock at the door, and Ric stuck his head round.

"Still avoiding me?" He asked, grinning winningly.

" I was never avoiding you Ric." Connie said softly, not looking at him. "I've just been busy."

Ric stepped through the door and closed it gently behind him. He could tell that there was something wrong. He walked over to her and knelt in front of her, his hands on her knees. She sat there, looking at his hands as he spoke gently to her, his voice like velvet.

"Connie…is there something the matter? You don't seem…yourself today. Or yesterday for that matter. Has something happened?" He seemed genuinely worried about her, and she noted that, but still she was unable to look at him, she was too scared.

"This _is_ me Ric." She whispered. "I have feelings too…just like everybody else."

Ric looked at her in surprise. He hadn't doubted her ability to feel, he didn't understand why she had said that, what she meant by it. "I know darling. I know."

Darling. He called her darling. She looked up at him at that, allowed him to see all of the emotion in her eyes and as he saw it, he immediately knew.

"I'm not going to hurt you Connie. Please…let me in."

And slowly, her hands were on top of his, her fingers slipping between his, taking the dive. As their lips touched, softly first and then more fervently, she felt herself, totally immersed in him.

- 

I don't know why I feel the way I do. He treated me badly, I know that. I don't know… it just seems that whatever I do, everything I feel always comes back to him. Owen.

_He hurt me. So much. It's never been simple with us. I hurt him too, I know I did. It's always been like a game between us, a game of one up man ship. Fidelity was never high on his list of priorities…or mine. But for all my sins and even after everything he's done, I still love him._

_When it all crumbled…for the last time, I suppose it was me who started it. I shouldn't have slept with Ed. Because for the fifteen minutes of fun I had with him, I spent over fifteen months wondering. Amanda could have been Ed's daughter. When Owen found out he went insane, threw me out of the house, left me crying in the pouring rain. I'll never forget that night…every time I close my eyes I still see that hurt and anger etched out on his heartbroken face._

_Before that fateful night…we were wedded. I felt so guilty, standing in my wedding dress, replaying my moments with Ed over and over in my head like a video on loop. All I could feel was Ed's hands on my sides, lifting me onto the counter, all I could see was the expression on Ed's face; all I could hear was his breath against my ear. I didn't think I could do it…I didn't think I could marry him knowing what I'd done…knowing that the child I was carrying might not be his…Owen, me and the baby...we were going to be a family. How could I walk down that isle and pledge my life to him knowing that that family might be a lie? Funnily enough…it was Ed that convinced me to marry him. It was Ed that made me go down the stairs to walk down that isle and I am glad that I did. Marrying Owen was the best thing I ever did. It's just a shame that it didn't last. _

_When Amanda died, it was him sat there crying with me. I didn't know Amanda's paternity, not for a year after it happened. I never told Owen. I never told him that he was Amanda's dad. Would things have been different if I had? I don't know…he'd just started going out with Diane at the time. Maybe they would have been different, maybe they wouldn't have been. He's still with her now. A year later. I don't suppose it will be long before we hear wedding bells._

That's why I have to tell him. I can't let him commit his life to her, not knowing. We could have had so much…we still can. I still love him, I still need him, I need him to make me complete. Without him….I feel empty. No one else can fill that hole that he left in me.

There was a time when I thought it was all back on again…just after the decree absolute came through. Under all the coats and bags on the bed at Jess's 21st birthday, we rekindled what we had. I was so happy then…for a few blissful weeks I had the love of my life back in my arms, and I hoped things could go back to the way they were…before. But what I didn't know is that he was two-timing me. Not with some unknown hussy he met in a bar, or a trainee midwife from maternity, but with Tricia. My mother. I never forgave her for that…and I certainly had my revenge on Owen. A couple of pints in the face were not enough to make me feel better though. I needed him to do that.

None of that matters to me now though. All I want is him. I don't care about the past…it can stay where it belongs…behind us. All I want is a future with him. Because I love him…and its hopeless. There's nothing I can do to quell this feeling…god knows I've tried. I just can't do it. I need him that much. I need to know if he still feels the same.

Chrissie stepped into the lift, on her way into work. She leant against the wall, waiting for the lift to carry her up to Darwin, where she would face the hard slog of another day. As the door began to close in front of her, a strong hand held it open and slipped into the lift. Owen.

Chrissie looked down at the floor, not knowing what to do or say, knowing what she wanted to say but not knowing how to phrase it, or whether now was the right time. So she just averted her eyes, carefully studying the pattern on the floor.

Owen watched her thoughtfully. He felt like he should say something, anything to break the ice that was like a glacier between them. He wanted to reach out, to feel that old tenderness between them once more. He loved her smile; it was so warm, it reached right into the darkest places within his mind and filled them with light. He smiled slightly to himself as he realised how poetic his thoughts were, and then joined her in vigilantly studying the floor.

As the lift ground to a creaky halt mid-ascent, Chrissie sighed loudly, causing Owen to shoot her a bemused look.

"Sorry…I didn't realise I was that much of bad company."

Chrissie looked up abruptly at the solemn sound of his voice, but was relieved to see the teasing look in his eyes. She smiled slightly, and shook her head.

"No…no its not you…its this…" She made gestures, indicating the lift they stood in. "…I've got things to do today." She finished, lamely.

"Oh…right." Owen nodded, sitting down on the floor. "Nothing to do now but wait."

Chrissie watched him do so, before also sitting down. Neither of them spoke for a while, and the silence hung in the air like a thick fog. It was Owen who first broke the hush, quietly enquiring after Chrissie's health. "So…how you been?"

Chrissie looked up, surprised at the tenderness in his voice and the softness about his eyes. She nodded slowly, the word "Okay" coming out of her mouth; barely audible. She knew it was now or never. Looking at him sentimentally, she spoke quietly, nervously awaiting his reaction. "Owen…There's something you should know." He didn't reply, merely looked at her with an expression that suggested she should continue. She could hear her own heartbeat pounding in her ears and she blinked a few times to clear her vision. She took a deep breath and opened her mouth to speak. "Amanda's father…its you."

Owen looked at Chrissie, utterly dumbfounded. That was the last thing he expected her to say, and her words had hit him like he'd just been smacked in the stomach with a football; it had totally taken the wind out of him. He didn't know what to say, he just stared at her, shock etched over his face.

He composed himself enough, eventually, to enable him to speak. "H…Wha…How do you know?" He asked, softly frowning.

"Mubbs told me…" Chrissie whispered, unable to look at him, for fear of the expression on his face. "I thought you should know…" she stopped speaking and turned her head away as she felt the tears in her eyes spill over down her cheeks. The next thing she felt was Owen's arms around her, holding her tight, letting her cry and whispering reassurances in her ear.

"Its all right Chrissie…it's all going to be all right."

-

When she told me…I had absolutely no idea how to respond. I mean its not as though she was telling me that she was carrying my child, she was telling me that her dead baby daughter was mine. I didn't know what to say to that. I mean…what do you say? I didn't need to know this now. I didn't…I just didn't. Its completely irrelevant to my life as it stands.

I don't want Chrissie anymore…I stopped loving her a long time ago, before I started seeing Diane. Diane…she's right for me, I'm sure of that. There's so much less heartache with Diane and…I don't know. There's just something about Diane that makes her better for me than Chrissie.

Its not that I don't love Chrissie…I always will. I just don't want her anymore. I don't need the hurt and the lies and the pain she always causes me. It's always been on-again-off-again with us. Never been straightforward. One or both of us has always ended up getting burnt, yet still we both go back for more. Its stupid and I don't need it anymore.

When I am with Chrissie…I feel for her. I do. It brings back the memories of what we shared, what we had. Because it was perfect…don't get me wrong…it was perfect for a while. Our wedding…it was the happiest day of my life. I didn't know what she'd done then. I didn't know how she'd shafted me. I felt so foolish when she told me…Ed was my best man for god's sake. It wasn't as if she had cheated on me with some unknown from Darwin, some trainee doctor or something…it was my best man, my best friend; the man who I thought I could trust most in the world. I know I overreacted a little…throwing her out like that. I just couldn't stand to see her in my face, knowing what she'd done; knowing that the child she was carrying might not be mine.

Turns out she was. But that bears no difference to me now. After the divorce, Chrissie and myself had a brief fling. That's all…a fling. I didn't mean to hurt her with Tricia, I was confused about what I wanted…who I wanted. But now I know what I want, I know what my life is. My life is with Diane.

I love Diane. I do. I really love her. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. That's how serious it is. I can see us in a few years time living together in a beautiful little house, with a white picket fence, a big garden with three children and a dog. Katie would come on weekend visits, and we'd all be happy. It would be perfect…

That's why I bought the ring. Its beautiful, the colour of the gem matches her eyes perfectly. I've spent the last few days just imagining how it will be when I ask her. I cant wait to see the surprise on her face, the smile, I can wait to be able to kiss her in a that way that will show her that I'll love her forever.

Owen lit the candles on the dining room table, checking not for the first time that evening that the cutlery was straight. He wanted everything to be perfect for her that evening. It was the start of something new for them both, start of the rest of their lives.

As the doorbell rang, he jumped nervously, and checked his appearance in the hallway mirror before answering the door and greeting her with a smile and a kiss.

"Hey." Diane smiled slightly, following him through to the dining room, allowing him to pull her chair out for her, allowing him to push it in once she was seated, allowing him to pour her a glass of wine, allowing him to kiss her neck and serve her roast duck with orange sauce.

As he smiled at her across the table, she smiled back, not wanting to put things off, but waiting for the right moment…as if there was a 'right moment' to say what she had to say…to make it easier on him somehow.

And so the small talk continued through to desert and it was cheesecake, her favourite. And as she moved her fork through the slice of cake it came against something hard. Frowning, Diane pushed away some more of the cake and gingerly picked up the offending object with her fingers. A diamond ring.

And she turned to look questioningly at Owen, a funny feeling rising in her stomach, to find that he was not there, that he was down on one knee at her feet, taking the ring from her, wiping it on his napkin, holding it out to her with one hand, his other hand clasped over hers, smiling lovingly up at her as if she was the most beautiful sight he had ever beheld.

"Diane…will you marry me?"

I didn't mean to let it go on that long. Honestly I didn't. I didn't want to break his heart. I do love him…Owen. Just not as a lover. More as a friend, a really good friend, but just a friend all the same. Maybe I was attracted to him…once…but I don't know…I'm just not anymore. But I do love him. So you see I don't want to hurt him. I just don't want to marry him either.

There's so much stuff inside my head that I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to be with him, I know that much. I think I want Ric, but I know I cant have him, he's got Connie after all…and if he's happy…well I don't want to jeopardise that. But with feelings like that and my lack of feelings for Owen in that way…I can't stay with him.

I came to Owen's tonight planning to tell him that it was over. I know it sounds harsh when you put it like that, but its better to tell him the truth right? And I honestly had no idea that he was going to propose. It never crossed my mind what he was planning. It just makes it ten times worse now.

But I've got to tell him…and I've got to do it now. No putting it off anymore. I've got to tell him…I don't know how but I've got to. Its time to stop being a wimp I guess. Its time to be strong, time to take control for once. I can't always let things lie and hope that they'll go away if I ignore them. Life doesn't work like that…it's just a shame that this has been one lesson I have had to learn the hard way and at the expense of someone else's feelings. He hasn't even done anything wrong…he's just not right for me.

He's been there for me, granted I'll give him that. With the whole ordeal that I went through with Jack, Owen stood there right by my side through the whole thing, helping in every which way he could. He's been fantastic, attentive, loving…but none of that's enough. Nothing could ever be enough to make me love him in the way that I love Ric, because I just don't…I cant.

It all comes back to Ric…again. I don't know why, it just always does. He's got under my skin; he's always there in my thoughts and dreams. I can't get him out of my head…he is all I think about. So you see…its not fair of me to stay with Owen. Because when he kisses me, I can't help but wish it were Ric. When he holds me I cant help wishing that it were Ric's strong arms holding me tight. When I lie in bed beside him at night, I can't help wishing that it were Ric's chest I'm leaning my head on, Ric's rhythmic breathing I was listening to. I wish it were Ric who'd proposed to me this evening and above all I wish that all those years ago I hadn't said no.

So you see, I have to end it with Owen. If not only for his sake…for mine.

Diane looked at Owen in surprise.

"Owen…I…I…this is something I've gotta do…I don't want to I just…I…I love you Owen, I do, I really do, but this…its just not working anymore. It's better that I tell you this now, because the longer I hold onto this the harder it will be. It…this…we…its been coming to an end for a long time now…for me anyway. I don't think it will change…get better. I think we should go our separate ways."

Owen looked up at her, shocked. He hadn't expected this at all; it came like a blow to him, a devastating blow to the head…or to the heart. Expressions flitted across his face, coming and going like the rain in the Amazon: Confusion, annoyance, hurt, disappointment, sadness, resentment, misery, irritation, frustration, and perplexity. Finally he was able to form words.

"But…you can't do this." He seemed definite enough as he spoke, sure of what he was saying, looking her in the eyes as he spoke.

"Owen…tell me why I should stay in this relationship when I'm hurting so much! I'm not happy." Diane replied, exasperated.

"You are happy! We are happy!" Owen exclaimed, standing up from where he knelt, looking down at her angrily.

Diane stood up and squared up to him best she could, although her stature was much slighter than his, her eyes reflecting the anger on his face, for she felt angry that he should tell her how she felt as though he had control over her feelings. She shouted at him in reply. "I'm not happy Owen…I'm not. I've got so many other things I must deal with; it's all just weighing on me. I know this cant work Owen. Its over. I'll get my coat."

And with that, Diane walked through to the hallway and took her coat from the banister where it was hanging. Owen followed hot on her heels, but she was too quick for him.

"Diane wait!" He called as the door slammed behind her. He walked up to it, watching her walk furiously down the garden path through the window, before slumping down against the door, beginning to cry, staring at the sparkling engagement ring he held between his index finger and his thumb.

Lying there in his arms that night, it was a peculiar sensation. For the first time in my life I did not feel the need to make my excuses and go home, and sit chain smoking in the kitchen worrying that he will want commitment out of me. I did not think it necessary to make sure that I find pleasure in some unsuspecting doctor who I happen to come across the next day in order to prove to him that I didn't want a relationship. That was the weirdest thing. After years of meaningless sex based on lusty feelings, after years of trying to avoid the whole messy tangle of relationships, not wanting to be tied down to one man, I realised that I did.

And so I stayed there in his arms all night.. I listened to him whisper sweet nothings in my ear, and I whispered some back into his. I allowed myself to tickle the back of his neck gently as he softly ran his fingertips over my back. I let him periodically kiss the tip of my nose; let myself plant butterfly kisses on his neck. He told me I was beautiful and it made me feel warm inside. And suddenly I realised that the feelings that they have in the movies do exist. I'd never felt love before, but I had a feeling that this was it.

And so I stayed there in his arms all night, listening to his heartbeat until I fell asleep. And for the first time since I was a child I felt safe in my sleep. I didn't wake up at 3am to worry about dying alone and being found a month later when my next-door neighbours started to notice the smell as they walked up the garden path. I didn't worry that tonight was the last time I'd ever experience sex, I didn't plan who was going to be my next lay.

And when I woke up, he was still there. He was watching me in fact, and he smiled and kissed me as I woke up, offered me breakfast. We made the breakfast together, ate it together, got ready together, and went to work. Together.

Together. It's a nice word. I'd never done things like that together with someone before. I'd done heart bypass grafts together with various registrars in my time, I'd decided on departmental funding together with various members of the hospital board, but, sexual encounters excepted, I'd never done things together with someone because I wanted to.

So it was a weird and wonderful night for me. I've realised that feelings aren't just for TV shows and Mills and Boon books. I've realised that I could have them too. I've got that warm feeling inside that feels like Christmas, and all I can think of is the way he touched me. It was so tender, so loving, it made me feel special. I've realised that all along, through all the men, that this was what I was trying to seek. Someone to make me feel special, to make me feel good about myself, stop me from feeling scared and lonely.

That was the best thing. I don't feel lonely anymore. I'd been feeling lonely for so long that the feeling had become like an extension of myself. But after last night it had gone, just like that. All that loneliness has been replaced with warmth, and it feels fantastic.

Maybe its because he gave me that bit, after the sex, where you lay there in each others arms whispering sweet nothings in each others ears. Maybe its because I have that floating on air feeling. Maybe its because I feel like I really am the woman who has it all right now. I don't know. All I know is that now, with Ric at least, I don't feel that I have to hide behind my façade anymore.

"Its open!" Connie called as she heard a knock at the door. It opened, and Zubin Khan walked in, smiling at her warmly.

"Hey Connie." He said. "I thought we could go through these files now if you weren't too busy." He continued to smile at her.

"Yep, I'm game." Said Connie, smiling back at him, a little unnerved by his cheerfulness. She watched as Zubin sat down opposite her, spreading the papers over the desk. The he looked up at her, and hesitated before speaking.

"I saw you arrived with Ric this morning." Connie smiled at this and nodded.

"Yeah…I think we are going to make a go of things." Zubin looked notably crestfallen at this comment.

"Oh." He said with no conviction at all. "Congratulations."

She's beautiful, Connie. Really stunning...

**Dig your polished nails into the dirt… rip your skirt off to wipe the hurt off.**

She's not afraid of getting her hands dirty. She does the job, and she does it properly, and still comes out on top. Most of the time. The day I really fell for her, it was the day I realised that she isn't just another hard-nosed ball breaker. It was the day I realised that she's a human being too. The day she did the op on Celia.

I was shocked to see her cry. From what I'd seen of her, I wasn't aware she was capable of emotion. I didn't think she had the capacity to care for people, to feel. I thought I had her worked out. I thought wrong. I know now, why she did it. Celia was her friend and she would have done anything for her. All she wanted to do was make her better.

So why on earth did I have to lay into her about it? It was stupid of me; I just upset her more. What an idiot I was. What a total idiot. She probably hates me now. Probably thinks I'm just another bastard like the rest of them.

**You know it tears my heart out when you….flirt with danger and any stranger.**

I know why she sleeps around. She does it as something to hide behind. She's scared really, just like the rest of us, I could see it in her eyes that day. She hides behind this feminist front when really all she wants is to be loved.

I could love her. Treat her right; give her what she deserves. Ric isn't right for her. I know that he still harbours feelings for Diane; he'll just end up breaking Connie's heart.

And it pains me that I can do nothing about it.

**Cursed…. since your birth dear, and your worst fears all come true.**

She knew there was nothing she could do for Celia before she even tried. She knew it wouldn't work. But she wanted so much for her to be well again that she did it anyway. It wasn't about the money for her. I thought it was. I know I keep repeating myself, but I can't believe how wrong I got her.

She seems softer somehow, since she's been with Ric. Happier, glowing even. The way she looks at him, it's so tender. She really believes its real; she really believes that Ric can love her with Diane so close by.

Yes, I was disappointed when she told me. Yes I wanted to cry. Who wouldn't? She's beautiful.

**Babe you're not the first, here on earth dear, because I'm still here, and I'm cursed too.**

She's not the only lonely one. She's not the only one who has been left broken and alone. She's not the only one that tries to hide it all.

I do too.

**Cursed like you.**

"Zubin? Zubin?" Connie's voice echoed into Zubin's thoughts and he suddenly snapped back to life, looking at her with raised eyebrows.

"Mmmm?" He mumbled, gazing at her sadly.

"Are you alright?" Connie asked him, curiously. As she did, she looked up at the door, to see Ric poking his head round.

"Conn, you ready to go hun?" He asked gently, smiling at Zube. Connie nodded.

"Zubin, can we finish this another time?" She said apologetically, grabbing her bag and jacket, and ushering him out of the door, locking it behind her. "See you tomorrow."

Zubin watched as Ric took Connie's hand and laced his fingers between hers, as they walked off together. "No." He said, quietly, to himself. "No, I'm not alright."

**-**

She gets to me…Connie. She somehow manages to wriggle her way deep inside of me, imbed herself on my brain, make it so I can't forget about her. Its stupid, I know, to be infatuated with a woman, especially at my age. But there's just something about her that's so…magnetic, so alluring, every time I see her, I can't help but want more.

I hated her…at first. After that initial rendezvous, I hated her. Not because she was horrible, or because she was devious, or manipulative, but because right from the off, she knew exactly what made me tick, and I found it intimidating. I didn't like it that she had control over me.

The thing is…she's like an addiction. Once you've had some, you can't help but want more. No, you can't help but want more. You yearn for more, positively ache for it, and when she walks in the room your heart goes boom. There's nothing more sexy than a woman in power. And boy is she empowered. She knows what she wants, and more than that, she knows exactly how to get it. And every time you pass her by, you can't help but hope its you she wants tonight.

Even now, divorce proceedings with Michael aside, we are an item and I still feel that sense of excitement when I see her. I still feel that danger that she'll walk straight past me and wait for me to beg her for more. She's got me wrapped around her little finger and I know it. What's more, I'm enjoying every minute.

She's exactly what I need. I've spent three years waiting for Diane. Three years of nothing. I can't do that anymore. Every day I'm learning more and more about Connie, and it's making me think that maybe Diane isn't the one after all.

Connie is deep. She has feelings. She is a real person. It seemed to me at first that nothing could touch her, but I was wrong. She just likes to hide it. Just like me.

We're very similar, yet so different. She's got this strong exterior, she seems untouchable, but she's not. She's just as sad and lonely and lost as the rest of us…as me.

I'm so scared of this. I'm so scared that I'm getting in too deep, but the thing is, its not just excitement, passion, danger, infatuation. I think it might be love.

There was a knock on the door, and Ric looked up from his paperwork, hoping to see Connie before him. What he saw, however, was a nervous looking Diane.

"Diane. Are you all right?" Ric asked, concern in his voice.

Diane looked at him softly, her eyes searching his for some kind of answer. When she didn't reply, Ric got up from his seat and strode across the room. He stood in front of her, his hands grasping her shoulders, his head tilted downwards, his eyes reaching hers.

"What's happened?"

Diane stared up at him. " I ended it with Owen."

Ric looked at her, not really knowing what to say. "Erm…. why?"

Diane looked at him, and provided him with an answer so complicated in its simplicity that he almost could not comprehend it. "Because I need you Ric."

I want him to be happy. I do. I know he's happy with Connie. His eyes shine every time her mentions her. He's been walking round with this dopey smile on his face for days. But as happy as she makes him, I know I can make him happier.

I love him. It's taken me so so long to realise it but I do. I can't help the way I feel, but now I have, and I need to tell him…I'd spend my whole life regretting it if I didn't. And I know, deep down, he loves me too. A few months ago, he tried to kiss me. If he didn't love me, why would he have done that? Even when Joanna died, it was him who followed me out of theatre, Ric who held me and told me that everything was going to be all right, Ric who told me to go to Owen even though it was breaking his heart to tell me. Surely…surely its because he loves me that he did that. Because he wanted me to be happy. Because he loves me.

There was never a moment…you know, when I fell in love with him. I just did. I don't remember not loving him, it's always just been there, this love. I don't know why I never did anything about it, I don't know why I said no all those years ago, I don't know why I left the way I did, but I regret it now. I regret not kissing him back, I regret not telling him sooner, I regret letting him go with her when I should have stopped him. I just want him back, I want to lie in his arms all night, safe and warm and loved again. I want him to hold me and tell me that he loves me, I want him to kiss me and touch me and make me feel brand new and sparkly again.

She'll only end up hurting him…chucking him to the gutter like the rest of her men. Boys are her toys, it's not real to her. Its just sex. She doesn't care about him, she's just playing with him. I don't want to see him get hurt. He knows what she's like; he's said it himself before now. But that's Ric…life's not worth living unless he's taking a gamble. If only he'd take a gamble on me…

It could be so perfect, I would make it so perfect for him, it could be everything he's ever wanted. I know there's an age difference, but age is just a number, it shouldn't matter. Connie will just hurt him. Surely he can see that it's me who is the one for him, not her. Deep down inside I know he knows. I love him, and I know he loves me.

I know he loves me.

Ric looked straight at Diane, frowning slightly, not quite able to comprehend what she just said. "I'm sorry…what?"

" I need you Ric. I love you." She looked at him desperately, her heart thumping inside her ears, willing him to take her into his arms, to tell her that he loved her too. Instead he let his arms drop from her shoulders and continued to stare at her, dumbstruck.

Finally, gently he replied. "I'm with Connie, Diane. I love Connie."

Diane looked at him, alarmed. This was not how she planned it, not what he was meant to say, meant to do. She felt her eyes welling up with tears, her voice breaking. "I thought you loved me."

Ric looked at Diane sadly, waiting for all those old feelings to come rushing back, waiting to feel the need to hold her, to reassure her, to tell her that he loved her, to kiss her, to make all those tears go away. But they didn't come back. He studied her face carefully, the hopeful but tearful eyes, the quivering chin, the wrinkled brow, the anxious expression, the hope. It almost killed him to say it, and his voice was so soft, so broken, so gentle it was almost inaudible.

"I did."

Ric's words hit Diane like a blow to the head. She staggered backwards slightly, letting out a choked sob, before turning and running from his office, barely hearing him calling her.

"Diane! Diane…wait!" Ric watched her go, feeling dreadful. He'd hurt her, he knew that. But he knew now what he'd been wondering for weeks, he didn't love Diane anymore. But it still tore him up to know that the reason she was crying like that was because of two little words he said in past tense.

Diane ran down the corridor, carrying on until two arms grabbed her shoulders and blocked her path. Her eyes were blurry with tears, and she blinked until she could make out the concerned face of Connie.

"Diane…what's wrong?"

Diane looked at Connie with disgust. " I hope you know what you've got." She spat, looking at Connie fiercely. "That man is everything."

Ric rounded the corner just in time to see Diane push a bewildered Connie away, sending her flying into the wall. They both watched as Diane continued running, until she was out of sight.


End file.
